〖转帖〗An ideal home

断裂的皱纹

Part 1

By this moment I have almost finished all my file folders. It is not easy to get them well in order because I’ve put them disorder for a very long time as the way I’ve led my life. The file folders were changed completely in new names as they deserved. Most of them were easily classified with “Music”, “Teaching”, “Work” and so on. Of course, the passages I’ve written during 1994-2004 were carefully packed in an independent folder with different sub-folders. Anyway, they’ve been settled in their new homes after nearly three-year inconvenience of computer. And I plan to modify them in the near future for a perfect purpose. Some of them were made in the net bar within a limited time so the spelling, grammar and structure need a careful check and adjustment.

While I were browsing the titles in every writing folders, I couldn’t help open some of them to view the contents. Plenty of stories I narrated were in cloudy sadness. The three letters that I wrote to God filmed the toughest time in my life. And an imaginary conversation with Mr. Lu Xun, the past literature giant in China, pictured the confusion and torture of my soul at that period. No matter how I wrote, the topics won’t run out of friendship, love and home in which they are mixed with loneliness and confusion towards life. Up until now, the homeless feeling still, from time to time, snatches me as what the passages appeared a few years ago though maybe I can make a family in future.

The problem is that I’ve made a proper home for my writings. But, who will make a sweet home for me? The constant stupid question is haunting around my head for so long that I, for an answer, even forward it to the dead like Mr. Lu Xun or the illusionary God. Why not check the alive? Why not? Aren’t they my buddies and helpers? Well, to me, an autist, I do think there won’t be anyone who can help me out of the deadly depression. The healer outside are no much better than that inside. In fact, the truth is that I’ve given myself up. Now, when I touched my writings again, I found my inner torturing spirit still keeps asking me the same question: is there an ideal home in the world for the suffering soul?

断裂的皱纹

Part 2

In my childhood, I was so eager to run far away from home someday for some common family stuff. I did it when I reached fifteen although it only lasted no more than one week. Actually, I just hid in one of my classmate’s out-of-way village. Then the fast-growing youth offered me the chance of leaving home. After finished college education, I could fulfill my childhood goal. As the case stands, from the moment I left home for education at the age of twelve, to me, home in a sense is only a dictionary word. It won’t be wrong to say that though my tears are welling up while typing these words out.

So far, the vivid picture has occupied my mind. A young maid crawled in her bed, shedding tears stealthily. The conflict, sent from her class fellows, annoyed her plus the loneliness brought out by the new life. How about going home for family’s comfort? Oh, the far-away home? Who will come for her trouble? The unhappy family relationships between members. Adults couldn’t spare their any energy listening to her voice. Better stay here rather than to meet the gloomy atmosphere at home. From that time on, she has a wolf by the ears. Such difficult situation has been with her whenever she meets trouble----no way to run and no place to go----the awful feeling is so strong every time that she holds no trust in the healer outside. Home? Sometimes you maybe have a home, but just in name.

断裂的皱纹

Part 3

A certain survey summarized that people put more passion and trust in home. We take it in granted that home will provide us safety, warmth, love and anything we can’t get from outside. More importantly, we highly appreciate it as a safe harbor because it can offer us console, in our perfect imagination, whenever we are hurt. However, does it meet our expectation? Will it? Can it? Therefore, the bottom line is that it is not home disappoints us but we disappoint ourselves! How greedily we wish to get everything from home.

When in despair, we are longing for a home for cure. But in fact seldom have numbers of people found such perfect home to run to. Most of time, we will be driven to mad that nowhere for us to run no matter we have home or not. Home, mainly, is the illusion perfect place we create for our fatigue soul. For the happy family, parents make happy children. Yet for the unhappy, maybe the unhappy marriage of parents is to blame. Children growing up in the shaking marriage might conduct an unhappy life and a family when they have their families. Most of them won’t get the enough safety for themselves. Besides, the difficult adjustment to the new family life will be a tough moment and might cause mentally frustration if more serious. Probably, here we should refer the problem to the psychologists. Anyway, home is the main producer of our happiness and unhappiness. We put high expectation on it and then quickly get the disappointment feedback.

It is suggested that we should live in anther way, open-minded, smiling and happy. Right, we are trying to do this. However, sometimes no one can tell what hurt is risen from home, which brings you deadly loneliness. Since my younger sister was married, the cruel fact shocks me that I can’t back to our home any longer. My elder brother’s got his family and now my younger sister. And I will make my own family later. No matter how happy or unhappy our home is or not, we three can’t back to our old days with our parents. How depressed I am when thinking of this. There won’t be the home used to be for me to run to though I didn’t like it before. Can the new home of our own provide us enough safety and warm that we’re longing for? How about us when we’re hurting from our new home? Where can we run to? Many a time I am so lonely to put myself in the darkness with my sadness. God won’t send me to the old days no matter how regret I am. The time that I should cherish won’t come again not even I pray one thousand times. The ageing parents live faraway from me and how about me? In Shanghai, not a cousin not a friend. The family time won’t be the same although we can get together in the Spring Festival or some other festivals because we will fly home elsewhere separately after the moments with our new family members.

断裂的皱纹

Part 4

It’s not important that we're happy or unhappy. We have to stay in the new home we make ourselves. But we still need a place to hide or run to when we're not joyful. That's why when our old home we lived in since we're born doesn’t “exist” in a sense, we find so gloomy that we've got nowhere to run and the feeling grows stronger than ever. In this way, the happy or unhappy home of the old time is not important. The truth is that our imaginary “united” home disappears from the time all family members are away with their new families.

I don’t know for a man what will be his ideal home. For me, it's the warm shelter and exit for my weakness. Also, it will keep me away from rain when God cries. Look, I am just one of the ordinary who set their high expectation on HOME. Whenever I turn to home with the mentioned purpose, it will surely send me a bitter shock: home is not the perfect place when I am in need of comfort. Sometimes, if I don't try my best to make a happy home, how can I get what I want from it? Recently, it seems that I am in a long-term depression for many things. The gloomy mood covers my life and my future home. And those who care me had to suffer what I have suffered. At the moment, only God knows why His child is experiencing.

No matter how rich or poor we are, we can't put away our family and our home in perfect imagination. The significant point is whether we are happy in spirit or material or both for our ideal home. If we rank them in a mess, we’ll find the ideal home is still far away from us.